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Poster: Hank @ Sun Apr 13, 2008 3:05 pm

Perception-altering experiences are a strange thing. Some people pay large sums of money for drugs to change th' way they experience reality. Others steal the drugs. There's even a group of people who claim to be able to voluntarily invoke perceptual distortion through means such as yoga, breathing techniques, and ingesting large quantities of Ho-Hos.

I have a new suggestion. Let me provide some background.

As I mentioned earlier, I am currently being battered by a really nasty cold. The fact is that I very, very rarely catch colds or otherwise got physically sick. When I do, however, it's usually a 'doozy' -- something so malevolent that even my superhuman Tanqueray-powered immune system, complete with bicycle-chain wielding antibodies, cannot send whimpering off into th' sticky night.

These 'doozies' can really mess with your day-to-day experience and th' way one behaves. For example, my entire body feels like it's being attacked with a power sander, I feel light-headed, and if I move around too fast, I experience mild 'tunnel-vision.' I feel sluggish and amotivated, wobbly, and unable to relax due to extreme dermal sensitivity. In short, I'm having a psychedelic experience.

I suggest therefore that a movement be commenced to put out of business th' annoying trust-fund hippie jerks who shill illegal psychedelics by means of voluntary contraction of bad colds whenever th' need for psychedelic experience arises. In addition to being less expensive than LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, raw ergot, and DMT, contagions like picornavirus are unlikely to get you fired if you show up at work under their influence.

A widely-accepted bit of LSD lore is that its production and distribution is controlled by a small clique of dirty trust-fund hippies in Northern California; the US Government acknowledges this in the 1993 DEA "US Drug Threat Assessment" report. Those who are inclined to want to have induced psychedelic experiences should ask themselves : 'Do I really want to give my hard-earned frogskins to a bunch of Humboldt County Phish fans with blond dreadlocks and 1994-vintage JNCO trousers?'

Whereas, th' production and distribution apparatus for th' common cold is distributed evenly across virtually all demographics, as th' apparatus is th' human nose. In fact, there are enough opportunities to be exposed to an aerosol of rhinovirus in practically all environments that you won't likely have to seek out a particular supplier.

Psychonauts, it's up to you. Pay th' trustafarians, or save your money and job by using th' highly democratic common cold for your freakout needs. And hippies : you're welcome to your vials, blotters, and 'shrooms. I'm an acute coryza man myself.

Comments: 2  •  Post Comment  •  Share Share Top
1m1w Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:52 am
Lies, everything is now made in China. This includes babies.
Daniel Roe Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:09 am
so that's where babies come from

I'm nearing the end of my first year of med school and they still haven't explained that yet.
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